Been feeling quite unable to click with my classmates at school lately. All I have been doing is hanging out with davita and sam... Not that it is bad, but what's wrong with me?

I had a wonderful night tonight.

Shaman king kangzhengban is finally finished, with the author uploading the final chapter up. Sarah and I agreed that everybody looks awful cept for Ren, Lyserg and Hao (who remained young. YAY.) Ren has like, increased his smexiness by a hundred times fold. It's absolutely amazing and astounding. This is the first time I preferred him over everyone else (cept Hao). LONG HAIR SUITS YOU. <3 Ren apparently has a son too, named Men. Lyserg hinted to everbody who the mother was when ren didn't wanna name her. It seems like the mother is the Iron Maiden Jeanne. My brain broke. Still...I guess they kinda look cute...together... IMAGINE HOW MEN LOOKS LIKE WHEN HE GROWS UP. Red eyes, silver hair... God. He would be even more gorgeous than his papa.

And I have discovered the existence of Gakupo Kamui, a vocaloid who was modelled after Gackt.
I have a fetish for things modelled after him, don't I? *stares at Genesis*

Oh god. His voice makes me melt. Like, akdakjgdkf. It's like a not-so-perfect version of Gackt's voice. But still quite amazing. I'm in love with him. Maybe I might cos him if haz still wants to cos megurine.

Then...

My mum told me that something was wrong with my cousin and aunt. She asked me to go over to help her comfort my cousin. I was very worried at first, but when I got there, I was ushered out of her room; she only was willing to talk to my mum, and my mum ended up comforting the both of them.

I spent the rest of the night feeling quite rejected and redundant. I won't ask myself why I was there in the first place cuz I know it is out of worry for her.

Still. It's so easy for people to step on my feelings, isn't it? Or maybe I was just angry with myself. Angry that I wasn't of any help, angry that I was a redundant existence, angry that I overestimated myself in anybody's heart.

When I got home, Sarah was gone. Hazel was gone. Steven was gone.

My heart hardened again.

I don't expect them to wait for me. But the fact that I lost them just because I went to be someone redundant; It really hurts me.

So the strength I gathered tonight for a long day tomorrow was broken.

I cried. I hated. I reflected. (...and I listened to Gakupo. God. I feel so calm cuz of him now.)

Then frank comes on. I unleashed my wilful self and demanded comfort in the form of a hug, pat on the head and "No, you have to be more kind.". Frank, being his matured self, of course rejected. He said a load of other stuff that made sense, gave me a small hug, and told me to not take it personally. He said that I need not always be so big-hearted anyways.

And you know what? Because of Gakupo and frank, I actually feel better.

I looked to my msn list, a friend had a nice quote:

Definition of forgiveness: The perfume a flower leaves on the shoe that crushed it.

That is exactly how I feel now. Except perhaps without the perfume.

I'm still working on it.