It's almost monday.

I watched a couple of nice shows today...like the Jack Neo's "I'm not stupid 2" and some short clips from "One Litre of Tears". (japanese version)

And again...

I wonder...where does the soft sadness inside of me stem from.

Labour day was very unproductive for me. But I understand why. It's because I wanted to run. I wanted to escape from thinking about my school. Even if it's for a short while...I wanted to feel safe and sane.

I don't know what's come over me recently. Even as I type this post out, I feel so bombarded by feelings, some of which I don't even understand.

I cried when I watched "I'm not stupid 2". The part where the father bought his son a childlish bag cuz he couldn't afford a 'cool' one, broke my heart. Of course, the son scorned the bag and yelled at his father. Throughout the show, the son never knew how much his father loved him, until the part where the father was on his deathbed. He couldn't do anything then except to cry. And before the father died, he said something that made an impact on me:

"There are no children in this world who cannot be taught, but only parents who don't know how to teach them."

The father cried and said that it was his fault that his son turned out bad. He said that he grew up while being beaten continuously, so he didn't know how to love.

And that everything was his fault.

My heart broke, and I was once again reminded of how many unfortunate students out there who are worse off than me. They just needed to find this 'key' that the movie spoke about, and that 'key' can only be given to them by themselves, the people around them, or the society.

Another part was when a young boy in the film, desperately tried to save money though he was from quite a well-off family. In the end, he had resorted to stealing and was caught. When confronted by his parents, they didn't allow him to explain and simply whipped out the cane and accused him of stealing money to buy gaming cards. After three strokes of the cane on his hand, he burst out saying, "I didn't steal to buy pokemon cards." His parents stopped.

Then he continued by saying, "I stole because I wanted to buy one hour of your time...to come and see my concert." And he broke into tears.

Apparently, his father had once told him that one hour of his time was worth $500 and he had no time to spend on 'unnecessary' matters. The boy explained, "I had wanted to use my pocket money to save up...but it would take a whole year to do so and by then my concert would be over....so out of desperation, I stole..."

Isn't it so funny...? We could be chasing so many things in life. In the end, we were just looking for love.

Why can't we be more honest with ourselves...?

Why can't we say, "I miss you.", "Don't go." and "I love you"?

Why...must we always wait till one party is hurt and has to let go, in order to realize that something is wrong.

I always thought that others were selfish. That they didn't return my feelings. I could have given them my world, and they simply looked away. But when I spoke to them casually, I realized through our conversations that they were looking for love in another place as well. They were the same as me; they wanted another person to love them back too. It's just that the person isn't me.

Is this karma for them? I don't know.

But at that point in time I decided that would let the person go. Because I know that I would never become an important person to that single person. And so I moved on.

But friends come and go...and come...and go.

And in the end, you'll realize that you're the only one standing at that crossroad. When you look back, there's nothing. When you look forward, there's a fog. When you look to your sides, only the thin air greets you.

Will you keep on believing? Do you believe that one day, there would be someone who would be the most important person to you and who loves you, the way you do to that person?

It's starting to feel silly. It's starting to seem childlish. Are we still allowed to believe in fairytales?

There's no Prince Charming, only jocks. There's no BFF forever, only promises that are formed by fragile, rusted chains. There's no forever. There's only change, gain and loss.

How....How am I supposed to believe?

I always take the pain of others upon myself. It always felt so unnecessary. But I always do. I'm so stupid. It's not like it matters to others. It's not like they appreciate it.

I'm such a fool, aren't I? Always searching for the things I want in the wrong places.

It's almost monday. I don't want to go back. The bell is about to ring soon.

I'm trying...but how am I supposed to smile when I'm not happy at all?

I can't smile. Even when I'm with my treasured friends. Is it because I've realized that they too, were beginning to search for comfort and love in another place?

Maybe I secretly felt so betrayed and left alone again.

And for those who just deal me pain, I keep wishing for them to stay away or die. Anything. Just for them to stay away from me.

I just....I just wished that I would snap out of this. It's becoming something like an irritating nightmare.

But I really don't know how to cross that line between happiness and sadness.

I won't ask for help this time though. I need to figure this out by myself. I know that I can...


I really really want to smile once again, and to see that blue sky that I once loved.