Today was the day I went and watched the concert, Final Fantasy: Distant Worlds.

To be honest, it totally blew my mind away. It served as a reminder for a lot of things though. Like for example, (ever since I've first discovered final fantasy X) how I had always wanted to escape from this mundane world and to someplace like those in the Final Fantasy series. I had somehow forgotten about that small wish of mine. It's like how life desensitizes you and how it makes you forget childhood dreams. It makes you think of them as something 'impossible' and would never come true. So that you would stop thinking about it.

I nearly cried so many times tonight. (and did so, eventually, in front of my com, while pouring out my feelings to haz and sarah) This was due to a horrible turn of events and my awareness of things that have come to an end.

Let's explain things in chronological order, so that it's easier to understand...

I left the house at 6.30pm today, for the concert which would start at 7.30pm. Dressed prettily for once, I was happy because I've been suffering from a low-self esteem since I entered my current school. My classmates were all attractive...personality or looks-wise. So you could guess how insignificant I felt sometimes. I skipped dinner, because my mum said that we should get going. Strangely, I never knew that it would have taken me more than an hour to get there by car. Yet that was because I did not expect serious traffic jams.

I was worried if I could get there on time. Usually concerts close their doors the moment the performance starts and would not let you in till the next intermission. My friend, who was supposed to watch the concert with me, called me many times. She urged me to hurry.

And all this time, I was stuck in the car, feeling so helpless and trying desperately to salvage the situation the best that I can.

She was with some friends...so I was worried that because of me, they would be unable to go in and miss the performance they had always been waiting for. During the next time she called, I told her to get her friends in first. I'll catch up later. She had my ticket, so she asked me what to do. I told her that maybe she could escort her friends in, and come out to get me later. However we discovered that apparently, you weren't allowed to leave once you've entered, unless it's the intermission. So she told her friends to go in first, and she waited for me. She gave me two to three minutes to get there.

A few minutes later, I was right opposite of the Esplanade. The place where the concert was to be held.

I knew what it meant, for her to be waiting for me. There was a risk that she may not be let in as well, together with me, till the intermission. I picked up my phone, and decided that I should urge her to go in, and that she could leave the ticket someplace for me to get. I called twice. She was busy. Then I guessed she might have been trying to reach me and stopped calling. My guess was correct, and she called me. I picked up the phone, and was about to tell her that it was alright, she could just go in first, when I heard a very distinct:

"What."

My heart froze. I couldn't stop myself from slightly stammering and muttering the next few words. "S-Sorry?"

She asked why I had called. I tried my best to explain, but my mind was completely blank then. I was so scared, for some reason. The next thing I knew, she was saying something like, "You know...I'm very very pissed." And the proceeded to say that she's going to leave the ticket with the usher, and that I should get it from him. There was nothing I could have said. So I just said okay and we put down the phone. I don't think that I had even managed to get what I initally wanted to say, across.

At that moment, I looked out of the car window. I had this rash decision; I wanted to run out of the car, and dash across 8 to 10 lanes of very heavy traffic, to get to the Esplanade on the opposite side. I didn't do it in the end though, cuz my mum freaked out and told me not to. Plus I think I was too upset to try something so rash and actually manage to survive it.

So I got all teary-eyed in the car. (I didn't cry though.)

Once I was in the carpark, I got out and dashed like some kind of Cinderella who was late for her ball, towards the concert hall, remembering the directions my friend had given me. When I got to the first usher, he asked for my ticket. I told him that my friend had left the ticket with him and he immediately set off to work, found it and gave it to me while telling me new directions. He was a really nice guy, and when he saw that I was so distressed, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Maybe she's still waiting for you, at the top of those stairs." It was foolish to think so, but it gave me hope, and I replied, with a slightly touched and shocked but pained look, "Really?" He nodded once and I ran.

Second usher....Third usher....And still no sign of her.

When I finally arrived inside, there was a mix-up of seats, so a guy was sitting at mine. He was ushered off to his correct seat so that I could take the seat. All this while, that friend of mine didn't look relieved that I had arrived, or apologetic (seriously. this is really really wishful thinking on my part. I don't even know why I expected her to think twice about it. It's not her character to do so.) and every second I spent, standing there at the side of the seats, the more I felt my heart dying. I felt really really sad. It wasn't because she went in without me. It was because once again, I've realized how far we had come and how we couldn't return to what we were. In my mind, she was still my best friend (sometimes even like family), but in real life, she appeared to be only a friend, someone whom you can find anywhere, if you wanted to. Someone who wasn't special, like how she was, in my mind. In my heart.

I sat down, trying to calm my feelings.

The orchestra started to play, "To Zanarkand" from Final Fantasy X. They even had a video to accompany it.

When I saw Tidus and Yuna, I felt myself breaking down inside. The song was so nostalgic. It was so sad. "To Zanarkand" was one of the first few FF songs I had loved. I felt tears rushing to my eyes.

"Don't cry. She'll see. Besides, you wouldn't want to ruin the fun for her friends right?" was what I told myself. So I held it back the best that I could.

I have to admit...after that, I tried to immerse myself into the music and to forget about what happened. But during the intermission, everything came rushing back, and I couldn't forgive myself for thinking, "If it was Haz or Sarah, they would have..." I shouldn't have. But I did so.

Something really felt broken.

We bought the soundtrack CDs and spoke casually, as though nothing had happened.

And then we went back to enjoy the second half of the concert. The ending was fanstastic. "One Winged Angel" will forever be the favourite of all the FF fans. Post-concert, I didn't dare to hang out with her and her friends. Plus, my mum was waiting for me, so we bid each other goodbye.

And when she playfully tapped me on the head like always, I was so shocked, it took me a split second to compose myself. For a second there, it felt like I could see myself as a little child, picking up pieces of something that was broken and trying to glue it together. When I realize that I couldn't, the child I was watching, looked down sadly and teared. The 'adult' me nodded and smiled bravely to her and her friends.

"Thanks for the wonderful night, tonight." I meant what I said. The concert was really amazing.

But now that I had understood and confirmed that we were really in 'distant worlds', it felt like a whole new burden. The fear of losing her one day.

It won't last, I know. Yet still I dread the day where we would finally end our ties.



To the specific friend (if you're reading this):
I'm really sorry for being late today. I won't give any excuse. I won't ask for forgiveness. I'm just glad that you managed to catch the entire concert, and wasn't shortchanged, due to my carelessness. I do hope that we would be able to go catch a concert together again, just the two of us this time. I know that I'm very destestable, that maybe this was the reason why you're always getting mad at me. I'm really sorry. Maybe I'm sorry that I couldn't be the perfect friend for you as well... I just want you to know that I'm never ever changing your place in my mind, in my heart. Even if time wants me to forget, and the world wants me to move on. Or even if one day you decide that you don't need me anymore.