At the end of the rainbow, what do you see?

I'm blogging now because tomorrow is our project work's written report deadline and I'm finally done with my part. The rest is all up to my classmate now who is gonna slap my report left, right, center and make it presentable for the teacher tomorrow. Haha.

It has somehow been an amazing journey, this year.

Okay. I know that it isn't over yet. ._. But I mean...somehow I just feel like I've learnt a lot.

It feels like I'm sliding on a rainbow at times, together with all my friends. At other times, it feels like I'm desperately trying to crawl out of a hellhole with thousands of faceless people trying to pull me back down. But in the end, it just always feels like a dream.

They say that life is a dream... how true that is.

Well, just today, I've finally realized that love is a very important part in our lives. It may be the influence of Hazel's love teachings yesterday, or it may be due to the events I've seen in the past and this afternoon. Everybody craves for love, yearns for it. Love is an unexplainable feeling that makes you want to do anything in the world, just for a single person.

Love is what I feel when I see my mother secretly waiting for me at 2.32am in the morning, at the pretense of watching the television, when I'm rushing assignments. Love is what I feel when my friends specially wait for me after school in order for us to go home together. Love is what I understand when I see someone letting go of their beloved in order to allow him to lead a happier life.

Love is really a beautiful thing.

I know I sound like some bible or self-help book, but really. It's the total opposite of hate.

Love forgives, Love cherishes, Love is gentle.

Love makes me cry...

Not because I've lost, but because I've loved someone.

We feel hurt whenever we go through breakups or when we have quarrels with friends, not because we have lost that love we once had for them. It is exactly because that love still exists between us and it pains us because we have loved.

Isn't that right? =) I hope it is.

Well. It's 2.42am. Two other of my project group mates are still awake while the other has died on us. ;A; Good grief.

I guess it's time to turn in for the night...

...and get my mum off the cold sofa couch.


Hmmm. My brother went off to his boarding school today...and my dad's flying off to china again, away from us, at around 11plus. (which is pretty much soon.)

Somehow I feel a little sad. Our house has gotten slightly more lonely.

Plus tomorrow school's starting again...and I just know that I'd get a shit load of problems. I'm trying to be strong about it, so I'll just take what comes.

My relationships with some of my friends have been quite rocky lately too...just because I've decided that I cannot compromise my principles just for them. It doesn't mean that I'd have to always give in to a certain someone just because her circumstances and principles are different from mine...right....? I don't know. Am I the one being baby-sitted here? or is the other person pushing her luck too far?

I hope that admist all these, I can still find that kindness and courage in my heart to accept others and to go on happily.

Of course, I'm still hoping to find my Perfect Prince... But life just doesn't work that way. I probably wouldn't have time for him too.

Anyways...here's a beautiful song, probably about a girl who is going out with a guy she loves, but he doesn't really love her back. I read a songfic written with this song, it ended on a really sad note.

It starts with this person, standing by somewhere, waiting for the guy to appear. Then the person recollects about the past few months they've been together...How he had asked her to be his, at the airport before she flew off, and how she had agreed immediately in front of their friends. As the days past by, she begins to understand from the start that he is used to seeing other women, and tries to accept that fact. She argues that he would always nuzzle her neck and then tell her later that he loves her. But later on, she realizes that her argument was flawed. He had never once told her he loves her, while looking at her straight in the eyes. She remembers the times he held her in his arms, the times he defended her from others... the times he was always late for their meetings, the times she always smelt perfume belonging to other women on his coat.

It begins to rain.

She stood there, unwilling to move. Thinking, "This is where I told him I'll wait for him, this is where I'll stand."

30 minutes...1hour.... And finally 2 hours.

She begins to break down, cuz as the times passed and the more she thought of it, she realizes that they were never meant to be together. All of the sudden, a sms appears on her phone.

"We're done." -Signed, the guy she was waiting for.

Well. That's all I can remember about the story. It was a short and sad one...I'm not sure if the details are completely right (some are changed in order to hide identities, etc.).

Anyways...here are the lyrics:

Song: Kiss the Rain
Music: Yiruma
Singer for the lyrics: Hienie

I often close my eyes
And I can see you smile
You reach out for my hand
And I'm woken from my dream
Although your heart is mine
It's hollow inside
I never had your love
And I never will

CHORUS
And every night
I lie awake
Thinking maybe you love me
Like I've always loved you
But how can you love me
Like I loved you when
You can't even look me straight in my eyes

VRS 2/3
I've never felt this way
To be so in love
To have someone there
Yet feel so alone
Aren't you supposed to be
The one to wipe my tears
The one to say that you would never leave

The waters calm and still
My reflection is there
I see you holding me
But then you disappear
All that is left of you
Is a memory
One that only, exists in my dreams

CHORUS

VRS 4
I don't know what hurts you
But I can feel it too
And it just hurts so much
To know that I can't do a thing
And deep down in my heart
Somehow I just know
That no matter what
I'll always love you

VRS 1

So why am I still here in the rain...


I don't want to be forgotten. But I know I'll eventually be...

Especially by you.

Someone stop this heart please...

I'm sorry but I really cannot love you anymore.



Now I must write this into a song or something ._.

Aiya. What is this, you might ask?

It's just a feeling towards this person who constantly ignores me, who constantly says that she's busy, who constantly...shoves me aside.

No, I'm not a lesbian.

But I really wish that she'd look at what she has sometimes, and stop focusing on things she wants to have, but doesn't.

No, I'm not talking about myself. *facepalm*

Shit man. She isn't even a major character in my life.



I must be going crazy from the lack of attention. *is an attention whore sometimes*

Yeah, that's right.

I shall go catch some sleep now.


Been feeling quite unable to click with my classmates at school lately. All I have been doing is hanging out with davita and sam... Not that it is bad, but what's wrong with me?

I had a wonderful night tonight.

Shaman king kangzhengban is finally finished, with the author uploading the final chapter up. Sarah and I agreed that everybody looks awful cept for Ren, Lyserg and Hao (who remained young. YAY.) Ren has like, increased his smexiness by a hundred times fold. It's absolutely amazing and astounding. This is the first time I preferred him over everyone else (cept Hao). LONG HAIR SUITS YOU. <3 Ren apparently has a son too, named Men. Lyserg hinted to everbody who the mother was when ren didn't wanna name her. It seems like the mother is the Iron Maiden Jeanne. My brain broke. Still...I guess they kinda look cute...together... IMAGINE HOW MEN LOOKS LIKE WHEN HE GROWS UP. Red eyes, silver hair... God. He would be even more gorgeous than his papa.

And I have discovered the existence of Gakupo Kamui, a vocaloid who was modelled after Gackt.
I have a fetish for things modelled after him, don't I? *stares at Genesis*

Oh god. His voice makes me melt. Like, akdakjgdkf. It's like a not-so-perfect version of Gackt's voice. But still quite amazing. I'm in love with him. Maybe I might cos him if haz still wants to cos megurine.

Then...

My mum told me that something was wrong with my cousin and aunt. She asked me to go over to help her comfort my cousin. I was very worried at first, but when I got there, I was ushered out of her room; she only was willing to talk to my mum, and my mum ended up comforting the both of them.

I spent the rest of the night feeling quite rejected and redundant. I won't ask myself why I was there in the first place cuz I know it is out of worry for her.

Still. It's so easy for people to step on my feelings, isn't it? Or maybe I was just angry with myself. Angry that I wasn't of any help, angry that I was a redundant existence, angry that I overestimated myself in anybody's heart.

When I got home, Sarah was gone. Hazel was gone. Steven was gone.

My heart hardened again.

I don't expect them to wait for me. But the fact that I lost them just because I went to be someone redundant; It really hurts me.

So the strength I gathered tonight for a long day tomorrow was broken.

I cried. I hated. I reflected. (...and I listened to Gakupo. God. I feel so calm cuz of him now.)

Then frank comes on. I unleashed my wilful self and demanded comfort in the form of a hug, pat on the head and "No, you have to be more kind.". Frank, being his matured self, of course rejected. He said a load of other stuff that made sense, gave me a small hug, and told me to not take it personally. He said that I need not always be so big-hearted anyways.

And you know what? Because of Gakupo and frank, I actually feel better.

I looked to my msn list, a friend had a nice quote:

Definition of forgiveness: The perfume a flower leaves on the shoe that crushed it.

That is exactly how I feel now. Except perhaps without the perfume.

I'm still working on it.


Mood: Contemplative
Music: Gackt -Oblivious -顔のない天使ー

It's been tough. Ever since I got into JC, I mean.

I'm supposed to be doing maths now. But my brother just told me to go screw myself and so I'm am currently doing so. (not literally. But figuratively, since I have loads to finish by tomorrow.)

I fell asleep last night, while curling up next to my mum and wishing that monday won't come. I mean, I used to be such a happy kid, but nowadays, I just feel like I screwed my life over. She told me stuff about my dad and her...and told me not to be sad if things really didn't take a turn for the better.

I don't know if I can be not sad. I probably won't emo about this. But hell, I'm sure I won't be too normal about it either.

You know, my JC friends are really nice. Sam and Davita bought me this card that said, "Face the problems. Cross out the negatives. Believe the best." and the picture is of this squirrel who is trying to get the apples on the tree, and trying out ladders of different lengths and learning from one failure till one works. They wrote, "Hey! Cheer up okay!! things will get better with us in your life! Lotsa love, sam and davita(: "

So, I don't really feel alone somehow. Just maybe, I don't know if I can be strong enough to get past all my problems.

Currently, I'm listening to Gackt's new song from the "Faraway" single - Oblivious -顔のない天使ー... It makes me feel so calm, yet knowing of the problems that would come and that I have to solve them alone. I've decided that in his own small way, some of his songs really have substance and it doesn't matter whether all of my friends are gackt haters or not; I'm pretty resolved to accept him for his talent.

Speaking of which, my blogskin is still featuring Genesis. I can't never ever get bored of his face. Really.

Hmmm. I think I need a break from everything. Alright. So I'll just slow down a little then...

Back to maths.


I...would like to be happy.

Am I allowed to be happy?

I think so.




Just maybe. =)


My friend, the fates are cruel.
There are no dreams, no honor remains;
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess.

My soul, corrupted by vengence
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation,
And your eternal slumber.

-Loveless Act IV

(Edit: I deleted majority of this post except for the few sentences I liked. It would seem that it was too emo.)


But the darkness came spilling over. It covered the light.

I think...this feeling is disappointment.

This painful...heart-wrenching feeling is disappointment.

Disappointment that is soaked in blood, pain and tears.



"Can you really live on that side? In a world that hates you and I." -Genesis Rhapsodos


Edit: To Joanie: I love you joan...I'd be lying if I said I was alright. Thanks for the support. People tend to be crazy at 12.12am in the morning. =)

To Sarah: I guess...people are just trying hard to find their place. Even if it means to seek attention. =) I can't thank you enough for always being there for me too. I know that this post will shock you, cuz you'll finally see what has been going through my mind and how dark my personality can be. You're one of the few people left who can really treat me genuinely. I wish for your happiness too... Don't give up. I want you to truly be happy. You're the most innocent and kindest among all of us.

And don't worry. I still believe in our famiglia. I want to hold on and pretend that everything is alright...just for a while longer. If we're lucky, it'll heal. If we're not, it would be painful, but nonetheless inevitable.